Hi :),

this blog by now must be sounding like a person on his last leg, a journey waiting for a disastrous conclusion because in disaster it is that peace will be found, in death it is that life will be born.

Each day passes me by, and I am like an observer on the very periphery of my very own life, waiting to be taken in my own life, waiting and waiting and waiting :), and knowing fully well, that there will be no relief, but still hoping against hope :)...

Its like a sinking feeling, each moment, each day that goes by, a feeling of vaccuum engulfs you, the sheer fear of losing the final toehold on life grips u, as button-by-button, minute-by-minute the grip on ur life eludes you, and you are taken apart in small-small shreds. It is like a losing battle that you have started to fight, in full knowledge of your imminent loss, your chimeral defeat.

Each morning I wake up, I curse myself twice to be ready to endure another day, another of those happy faces which are so lighted up, whose happiness puts u under so much cosh, because each time u try to be happy, someone / something comes along to take it away from u, snatch it yet again :).

But, then that's okay :), I guess I must be one of the "chosen" few who have to carry the can for everything :). There has never been a moment in my life, when someone has called me up simply to ask me "how are you doing, ranjan ?"...and then talked on hours juss because he / she was interested in knowing only about me, only because I am the one important thing at that point in time, the rest of the universe mite go to hell :) But, its always like "kya ranjan, how are u doing man ! achaa i called u up because..." :), I crave so much for being cared about, being the top priority in someone's life..jiske karan i can live on , even just on hope :))

But, as god would have it, he has chosen not to grant either of my two most important wishes :)..Well, its time i took things in my hand...and will soon do :) .. its time i tidied the board of my life, wiped my slate clean :).

Hope, I dont post here again :)

And love u for being the most earnest pal of mine.

ranjan